I know there are Tootsie Rolls in here somewhere!

david:

Kurt Braunohler raised $6,000 on Kickstarter to “hire a man in a plane to write stupid things in the sky”

(Source: kurtbraunohler, via craperture-science)

(Source: blackgirllprobs, via ragamuffin-shauntilly)

thefrogman:

[reddit] [h/t: pleatedjeans]

thefrogman:

When a man and a woman are in love and get married, they decide to show their love by participating in the most heinous of acts. Sexual intercourse. They turn off all the lights and the man inserts his rod of evil into the woman’s hole of Satan. They must use the missionary position, as it is improper for the male to face the Lord when humping about and making sex faces.

The male thrusts back and forth for nearly a minute until his penis ejaculates seminal fluid into the vaginal cavity. This unleashes several hundred million little spermies all hellbent on finding an egg and making your life a whole lot more expensive. These guys are excellent swimmers too. Once a sperm is in motion it is then officially a spermatozoon. That’s a fun word. Spermatozoooooooon. Spermatozoooooooooooooon.

Anyway.

The millions of spermatozoa (plural of spermatozoooooon) swim their way up the fallopian tubes. They target an egg and ram their spermy little heads into it. Most of them die from head trauma, but sometimes a lucky little tadpole breaks through and takes up residence inside the ovum…creating an embryo.

Depending on your religious beliefs, this is when life begins or it is just a couple of cells that could develop into a wittle baby. If you are a penguin, you really don’t care either way because your brain is unable to comprehend complex concepts.

Once these two parts have bonded, the embryo does its best to attach to the uterine wall so it can begin dividing and conquering the mama’s belly. You must of course feed this little embryo all sorts of strange things. Like pickles and ice cream. Or peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Over the next 9 months those two cells divide into billions of cells creating a fetus.

If you take a picture of this fetus inside the tummy, it will look like an alien creature.

This is normal. You do not have an alien baby.

Then the day comes. The amniotic sac ruptures and the fluid is evacuated out of the vagina. Now…they call this “breaking water,” and even though that fluid is mostly water, there are also proteins, carbohydrates, and even a little pee in it. So if she broke water on your couch, I would give that a decent scrubbing after. Or at least turn the cushion over.

Junior is now ready to squeeze his cantaloupe head through the mother’s golf ball vagina. It’s important that the female breathe like an idiot to distract her from this fact. Typically like, “Hee hee hooooo. Hee hee hooooo.” Once she figures out that doesn’t do shit, she will demand drugs. Give them to her.

Her cervix will dilate. This only happens in centimeters, as doctors are too good for inches. Once it gets to the size of a lemon, they encourage the woman to start pushing. If you offer the woman your hand at this point, she will break every bone in it. I suggest putting your arms behind your back and having an encouraging expression on your face. The female may poop a little, try not to notice that.

Soon the baby’s head will emerge and the doctors may use salad tongs to help pull it out. It will be slimy. It will have goo on it. It will be making strange noises. It will be bright pink and otherworldly.

This is normal. You still do not have an alien baby.

The doctor then gives the baby its first dose of corporal punishment and smacks it firmly to induce breathing. The baby will start crying. Get used to that.

If you were to try and trace this process back to the point of origin, I would say that it all starts with the rod of evil. Which is the delivery mechanism for the spermatozooooons. Which are manufactured and stored in the balls.

So, in conclusion, babies come from men’s balls of sacky malevolence.

[Originally created for Slacktory]

(I don’t get it a lot—or at least not on tumblr—so I’ll gladly tell you!)

I do use Ben Nye! I can’t use water-based makeups (not even with a fixative) because I sweat a TON, so it has been the only one to work for me without making my face itch.

First I wash my face really well with an exfoliating scrub to get rid of most of the oil, and then I moisturize with oil-free product and let it dry.

After that, I apply the makeup with a foam makeup wedge.  I put it on pretty thickly, starting from my nose area and moving outward, making sure none of my natural skin color shows through. I don’t do my eyelids or underneath my eyes until I’m nearly done, because it’ll only crease and I’ll have to reapply.  Before I do my eyes, I step away from the mirror and do something else for five minutes and come back and touch up any thin-color areas I didn’t notice on the first go. You can use the creme makeup to contour during this step as well.

Next step is to powder, starting with the eyes.  I use Ben Nye Neutral Set with a terry powder puff.  I’ve heard you can use baby powder or other setting powder, but the Neutral Set works for me. The key to this is using a LOT of it.  Creme makeup absorbs a surprising amount of powder. I pretty much just dump out about a tablespoon full of it at a time, pat the puff into the powder, and pat the powder on while gently pressing it into the makeup (Kind of difficult to explain that—you don’t want press hard enough to rub the makeup off, but you do want to kind of grind the powder into it. It takes a while to get the motion down, but when you do it becomes second nature).

I powder my face in sections—eyes first, then my forehead, then my nose and cheeks, my mouth and chin, then my ears, and then I touch up my neck and powder that last.  I usually go through at least two tablespoons by the time I’m done, and I apply enough that I actually see the whiteness of the powder build up on my face.  At that point, I take a really soft powder brush (my kitty paw brush) and dust off the excess.

The way I test that I’ve powdered enough is to wash and dry my hands and pat my nose a few times.  If no color comes off, then I’m done!

I actually play up my contour at this point with powder products. Use really soft brushes and you won’t damage the creme or setting powder.

Only then do I apply the Final Seal. And that pansy “spray a mist into the air and walk into it, letting it gently rain down on your face”?

Nope.

Close your eyes (raise your eyebrows and roll your eyeballs upward so you won’t squint) and mist your entire face. Some of my friends use hairspray to good effect if you want to try that. Let it dry before you touch it.

There—all done~!

Hope this helps, and thanks for asking!